Dr. Christine Chang, Ph.D.

California Licensed Psychologist | Focused on Grief, Anxiety & Trauma

好好生氣:療癒文化創傷,體驗憤怒的力量

Christine Chang

憤怒作為重要的核心情緒,在臨床上或生活中,都是有重量的內在工作。無論是自己的憤恨或面對他人的怒火,除了體感上的不適,往往還引起更多疊加的情緒,比方驚嚇、恐懼、罪疚感、羞恥等,讓許多人覺得自己不應該生氣,不願意靠近生氣的感受,用更多心力抗拒憤怒;有時我們對憤怒的厭惡、壓抑與陌生,反而使衝動四溢,形成更多後悔與遺憾。

好好生氣,是個人修養、是療癒過去、是對抗不公不義,也是回歸存在的本質。

情緒理論指出每一種核心情緒都有其各自的功能。憤怒的目的源自於,我們親愛且重視的人事物──從具體的物品到抽象的價值觀、尊嚴、自由、安全感,受到實際或感知上的攻擊、威脅、壓迫或不公平的對待。憤怒旨在保護,為我們提供強而有力的訊息,提醒我們界線被侵犯,需求未被滿足,珍視的對象被傷害或遺棄。

也許與直覺相悖,許多古老的智慧其實教導我們如何與憤怒相處,而不是迴避或壓抑。

直面憤怒

哀公問:「弟子孰為好學?」孔子對曰:「有顏回者好學,不遷怒,不貳過。不幸短命死矣!今也則亡,未聞好學者也。」──論語,雍也。

孔子描述顏回「不遷怒」,指的是怒氣不轉移至他人別處,不把怒氣錯置(displacement);在「好學」的脈絡裡,可看作不把挫敗感怪罪不相干的對象,勇敢承擔錯誤並做出改變,才能真正「不貳過」。有意思的是,孔子的「不遷怒」,正與心理分析理論的心理防衛機制(defense mechnism)遙相呼應,憤怒應去該去的地方,而非四濺、錯位。

另一方面,孔子也並沒有讓人忍耐一切不合理與不合禮。細讀論語八佾篇,孔子的怒氣隨處可見,他鼓勵冉有挺身說不,對帝王不合適的表現,時而譏諷、時而直白針砭,毫不內斂。

季氏旅於泰山。子謂冉有曰:「女弗能救與?」對曰:「不能。」子曰:「嗚呼!曾謂泰山,不如林放乎?」──論語,八佾。

孔子謂季氏:「八佾舞於庭,是可忍也,孰不可忍也?」──論語,八佾。

孔子說季氏用天子的陣容在自己庭院中舞蹈,如果這樣的事可以容忍,那什麽事不能容忍呢;孔子此處明白的標記了憤怒的目的在於保護邊界。吃人的禮教是握有權力的後人為了統治的便利,曲解或斷章取義久遠以前的哲學思想,一代一代形成我們內化的集體創傷,把迴避 (avoidance)當作禮貌,用否認 (denial)安慰傷口,一代一代錯過真實的相愛。

憤怒有始有終

另一方面,佛教提示我們內在情緒的生滅。佛經中,憤怒經常以「瞋恨」描述。

內心有瞋恨時,了知:我內心有瞋恨;內心無瞋恨時,了知:我內心無瞋恨。了知未生之瞋恨生起,了知已生之瞋恨滅盡,了知已滅盡之瞋恨,於未來不再生起 。──大念處經(Maha-Satipatthana Sutta),法念處(Dhammānupassanā),五蓋(Nīvaraṇa)。

關照「瞋恨」的生起與滅盡,提示我們,即便是如此強烈的情緒,其實有始有終,它會浮現、也會消逝,憤怒如天上雲朵,能聚攏也能散去,如一呼一吸,有進有出;憤怒像攀爬一座山,那稜線總有起點與出口。許多人恐懼憤怒,彷彿一但沾染便永遠擺脫不掉,那便是恐懼蒙蔽了「了知」,覺察憤怒的有與無,不強求、不逃跑,與憤怒共處,完成「嗔恨」作為一段過程,正如心理治療裡常說的消化(process)情緒。

憤怒的流動本質

中醫經典黃帝內經則描述了身體、情緒與自然的流動與交互作用,強調元素之間的相生相剋;情緒的動態本質提供了療癒情緒的基礎。

帝曰:余聞上古聖人,論理人形,列別藏府,端絡經脈,會通六合,各從其經,氣穴所發各有處名,谿谷屬骨皆有所起,分部逆從,各有條理,四時陰陽,盡有經紀,外內之應,皆有表裏,其信然乎。歧伯對曰:東方生風,風生木,木生酸,酸生肝,肝生筋,筋生心,肝主目。其在天為玄,在人為道,在地為化。化生五味,道生智,玄生神,神在天為風,在地為木,在體為筋,在藏為肝,在色為蒼,在音為角,在聲為呼,在變動為握,在竅為目,在味為酸,在志為怒。怒傷肝,悲勝怒;風傷筋,燥勝風;酸傷筋,辛勝酸。南方生熱,熱生火,火生苦,苦生心,心生血,血生脾,心主舌。其在天為熱,在地為火,在體為脈,在藏為心,在色為赤,在音為徵,在聲為笑,在變動為憂,在竅為舌,在味為苦,在志為喜。喜傷心,恐勝喜;熱傷氣,寒勝熱,苦傷氣,鹹勝苦。中央生濕,濕生土,土生甘,甘生脾,脾生肉,肉生肺,脾主口。其在天為濕,在地為土,在體為肉,在藏為脾,在色為黃,在音為宮,在聲為歌,在變動為噦,在竅為口,在味為甘,在志為思。思傷脾,怒勝思;濕傷肉,風勝濕;甘傷肉,酸勝甘。西方生燥,燥生金,金生辛,辛生肺,肺生皮毛,皮毛生腎,肺主鼻。其在天為燥,在地為金,在體為皮毛,在藏為肺,在色為白,在音為商,在聲為哭,在變動為欬,在竅為鼻,在味為辛,在志為憂。憂傷肺,喜勝憂;熱傷皮毛,寒勝熱;辛傷皮毛,苦勝辛。北方生寒,寒生水,水生鹹,鹹生腎,腎生骨髓,髓生肝,腎主耳。其在天為寒,在地為水,在體為骨,在藏為腎,在色為黑,在音為羽,在聲為呻,在變動為慄,在竅為耳,在味為鹹,在志為恐。恐傷腎,思勝恐;寒傷血,燥勝寒;鹹傷血,甘勝鹹。故曰:天地者,萬物之上下也;陰陽者,血氣之男女也;左右者,陰陽之道路也;水火者,陰陽之徵兆也;陰陽者,萬物之能始也。故曰:陰在內,陽之守也;陽在外;陰之使也。──黃帝內經,素問,陰陽應象大論,之七。

具體來說,「怒傷肝」意指憤怒影響肝臟,與肝臟互有表現。基於陰陽五行理論,木元素和春季、肝臟、憤怒、氣候裡的風、形體裡的筋等相聯繫,他們之間的互動反映出了內在與外在的動態平衡;「怒傷肝」正是在描述元素之間的聯繫。肝也主疏洩,表示憤怒來的時候,必須抒發,如四時之順,而逆四時則病,有序有度的憤怒,應當順勢流通。

上文中的「悲勝怒」,也並非鼓勵以表達悲哀取代憤怒,而是說憂傷與憤怒之間存在著相互制約的力量。黃帝內經觀察到情緒之間的起伏、張力與流動,而情緒的釋放和消化才是達到平衡的關鍵,一昧壓抑會帶來各方面的堵塞。臨床心理治療上經常可見,人們充分體驗憂傷之後,隨即而來那深沈、有力道的憤怒,那些不被允許的憤怒,的確常常被憂傷和羞恥感覆蓋,唯有融化了憂傷,才能體會憤怒帶來的改變的力量。

慎重地憤怒

聖經舊約箴言(Proverbs)裡,多次提示人們不要輕易發怒。

輕易發怒的,行事愚妄;設立詭計的,被人恨惡。 ──聖經,箴言,14:17。

不輕易發怒的,大有聰明;性情暴躁的,大顯愚妄。──聖經,箴言,14:29。

不輕易發怒的,勝過勇士;治服己心的,強如取城。──聖經,箴言,16:32。

人有見識就不輕易發怒;寬恕人的過失便是自己的榮耀。──聖經,箴言,19:11。

中文的「不輕易發怒」,英文則是quick-tempered, quick to anger or slow to anger,箴言告誡我們要慢慢生氣,好好生氣,慎重、穩重的生氣,憤怒的存在很重要,而憤怒裡的急迫感需要被節制,不輕易躁動;慢下來,才能體會憤怒想說的話、想提出的行動。

舊約經常提及上帝的怒氣,都有明確的原因,情緒並非沒來由,而上帝再三提醒人們之後才會發怒,目的是為了讓人們回頭與改變,也讓情緒的功能意義顯而易見。

耶和華有憐憫,有恩典,不輕易發怒,且有豐盛的慈愛。──聖經,詩篇,103:8。

舊約詩篇(Psalms)也提及上帝「不輕易發怒」,此處希伯來原文是「鼻子很長」,上帝有非常長的鼻子,意味著上帝慢慢動怒。我的偏心偏見認為希伯來文中,上帝鼻子很長,極其形象,長長的鼻子讓吸氣與吐氣的過程更悠遠緩慢,一吸一吐,坐實憤怒的體驗,讓憤恨慢下來,怒氣不衝動噴發。在心理治療的過程中,呼吸是錨定憤怒最有效的方法,上帝的長鼻子,也許在提點我們呼吸之於憤怒過程裡的關鍵。

許多古代經典都強調與憤怒接觸的重要性,以及如何消化憤怒:孔子鼓勵我們直面憤怒,佛經點出情緒生滅的細緻觀察,黃帝內經從身體、情緒與自然元素流動的角度,教導我們順勢而行,而基督教裡有著長鼻子的上帝,也許在提示我們運用呼吸讓憤怒慢下來。

當我們壓抑怒氣、抗拒情緒體驗、否認情緒存在的時候,也許正是進一步理解當代文化創傷的機會,重讀那些被挪用錯用的文化經典,哀悼因為生存而犧牲的尊嚴,讓憤怒成為通往療癒文化創傷的途徑。透過正視並經驗憤怒,我們有機會喚醒個人與集體的內在力量,憤怒使我們更深刻地理解痛苦的來龍去脈,為被忽視的發聲,並挑戰人為的不公不義與不平等。

參考資料與延伸閱讀

Solstice Soundscapes: Embracing Joy and Vitality Amidst Complex Trauma

Christine Chang

In celebration of the summer solstice, I have curated a Spotify playlist—a special collection of music created especially for Asians and Asian Americans. Each artist is Asian-identified, honoring the beautiful diversity within our community. This isn't your typical meditation playlist; it's a journey through sounds that capture joy, desire, and vitality, all deeply rooted in the landscapes of contemporary Asian culture.

For those who have borne the weight of complex trauma, safety and peace can feel foreign, intimidating, and even triggering. Amidst the shadows of pain and the resilience of survival that many Asian and Asian American communities know too well, it is vital to reclaim our laughter and smiles as well as the moments of inspiration and aspiration. It is important to remember the warmth of a gaze or the sunlight.

It is also important to remember that Asian history is rich with traditions that celebrate vigor and vitality. Literature, art, and poetry from various Asian cultures exude a profound appreciation for the beauty of nature, interpersonal connections, and different emotions. These historical expressions whisper to us that yearning for pleasure is a fundamental part of our heritage, ever-present and waiting to be woven back into the fabric of our modern lives.

As the sunshine reaches its peak, let us ride on the spirit of the sun. Through this music, I invite you to reflect on the essence of being Asian in the here and now.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6HkjF7gRft6P9HjDq3Nmgz?si=46e7a78338744b71 

  1. Summer Solace - Paella

  2. Summer - Joe Hisaishi with London Symphony Orchestra

  3. Indian Summer - Anoushka Shankar 

  4. Summer Solstice - Sophia Thakur, Latir

  5. Asturias - Youn Sun Nah

  6. Hala lala laya - Aleen Masoud, Apo & the Apostles 

  7. Late Summer Storm - Lullatone 

  8. On the Summer Solstice - aspidistrafly 

  9. Summer - Sanoli Chowdhury

  10. Summer - Joe Hisaishi (This is a different version of Joe Hisaishi's "Summer." This one concludes the journey of the playlist better.)

Read more:
https://www.instagram.com/p/Ct9kr2fP5M_/?igsh=MWQ1ZGUxMzBkMA==

Exploring the Depths - The Impact of Parental Narcissistic Traits on Adult Children

Christine Chang

Within the labyrinth of harm woven by parents with narcissistic traits, children often seek refuge in the veil of vagueness, shielding themselves from the piercing arrows of instability and emptiness. Vagueness becomes an infinity mirror, endlessly reflecting the harsh reality of being unseen by parents with narcissistic traits. In my opinion, vagueness represents one variation of the gray rock method, a coping mechanism against inevitable pain.

However, lurking within the shadows of vagueness are fears: the dread of being relegated to the periphery, the terror of solitude, and the burden of unwarranted culpability. The fear of being deprioritized, abandoned, or blamed engulfs the children's every interaction, casting a shadow over their sense of worth and belongingness. Fear and anxiety are the emotional burden of these children growing up. When being unseen becomes the essence of attachment, vagueness, as well as dissociation, manifest as the relational wounds of the adult children, whether with others or with themselves.

Amidst the cacophony, an incessant whisper of invisibility haunts the desire to be acknowledged by the unavailable parent due to their narcissistic traits. For adult children, this journey to form interpersonal intimacy is fraught with challenges, marked by a perpetual reluctance to accept, to embrace, or to receive any authenticity from others. The receptivity is never modeled or completed, and oftentimes it is unsafe. The ownership of the self, molded by the parent with narcissistic traits, remains a shape-shifting enigma, ever resistant to formation. The formation of self-ownership needs to be rooted in separating and grieving over the persistent echo, which reverberates the attachment of the unattached.

Thus, in this intricate dance of existence, the threads of the dilemma of attachment weave a tapestry of complexities, where vagueness becomes a fortress, fears cloak the path to self-discovery, receptivity hasn’t fully developed, and the structure of the self remains unattachable. These may be the deepest wounds of adult children —they never truly feel seen by the parent with narcissistic traits, by themselves, and perhaps they never feel embraced by reality.

Healing starts with drips of reality– a safe, responsive, and available reality.

The Inspiring Journey of Immigrant Parents - My observations and invitations

Christine Chang

It may seem counterintuitive, but many immigrant parents do indeed aspire to adopt Western-style parenting practices when they move to a new country. Western parenting tends to emphasize the development of individual identity and autonomy. It allows and encourages children to express their thoughts, feelings, and opinions openly. Parents tend to use praise and rewards to reinforce desirable behaviors and offer acceptance and problem-solving to help support children in making their own choices and decisions.

Many immigrant parents are eager to shield their children from the hardships they experience. Growing up, many immigrant parents often learn more about the values of obeying authority, enduring hardship without asking for help or questioning, and adhering to the singular correct answer as dictated by society. While those values could be adaptive in the home culture at some point, many immigrant parents often strive to give their children a new and enriching experience when they relocate to a different place.

At the intersection of the impact of generational and cultural trauma, the immigration process, and the role and responsibility of parenthood, immigrant parents are navigating uncharted territory where they don’t have many role models in the community. Immigrant parents may find themselves grappling with the everyday concepts of freedom, independence, and autonomy that differ from what they learned from textbooks or movies. The lack of familiarity with the cultural nuances and limited access to support and resources can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations. For example, immigrant parents may have limited exposure to what it truly means (and why it is important) to develop personal interests that bring joy and fun. This can be attributed to the emphasis the upbringing placed on survival, practicality, and pragmatism. Consequently, facilitating their children to cultivate personal choices can feel apprehensive and daunting. It requires not only an understanding of personal agency but also a bottom-up bodily experience of joy and selfhood. Similarly, when it comes to dealing with disagreements with their children, many immigrant parents feel overwhelmed. Their upbringing might have presented them with only two approaches: obedience and conformity, or dismissiveness and abandonment. As a result, it can be unfamiliar for parents to lead a dialogue of different emotions and needs with each other, negotiate solutions, and navigate diversity and differences.

In light of this, I would like to offer a few ideas that I invite immigrant parents to consider on the parenting journey.

  1. The best part of raising children is probably getting another opportunity to grow up again in the way you want. Let’s be curious about the self, including family history, emotional wounds, and potential influences on parenting approaches. Becoming more aware of the beliefs, values, perspectives, and behaviors will allow you to intentionally shape and refine them.

  2. When confronted with children's errors, disagreements, conflicts, and difficult emotions, take a deliberate step back, or even momentarily pause. Slow the self down. Find ways to anchor the self first. Notice that the sense of urgency or anxiety usually comes from a memory or a trauma response.

  3. It is challenging to raise children in a country different from one's place of origin. Immigrant parents are teaching their children to fish in unfamiliar waters. Acknowledge the courage and resilience within each of you. Recognize the strength and adaptability it takes to navigate the complexities of being an immigrant parent. 

It seems as though it was only yesterday when you were navigating uncharted territories and transitioning to a new society. Yet, here you stand, building a family and nurturing the next generation. Regardless of the path that brought you to this land, you have arrived. Let’s embrace grace and patience as you cultivate your roots and nurture new branches here.

Rethink “I-statement”

Christine Chang

An "I-statement" is a non-accusatory and non-defensive way of expressing ourselves. It begins with the word "I" and is used to describe personal feelings about a certain matter. Therapists and communication specialists often recommend utilizing "I-statements" as a means of effectively conveying our feelings without making the other person feel attacked or judged. For instance, instead of saying, "You're being annoying," it is suggested to say, "I feel annoyed by the sound you are making." This approach ensures that the listener understands that the focus is on the speaker's feelings rather than blaming the listener.

While an "I-statement" may imply that changes need to happen, it is not used to create behavioral changes in others. Making our feelings known to ourselves and others (e.g., using I-statements) is about clarifying our own internal world and helping others understand us better. Communicating our feelings to other people is different from trying to change their behavior or convince them of our perspectives. An "I-statement" is not a demand; it is the beginning of a further dialogue.

Crafting an "I-statement" is challenging as it requires taking ownership of our feelings without expecting others to bear responsibility for them. It necessitates an understanding of the equal value of emotions in individuals. Meanwhile, making an "I-statement" is a profoundly intimate act, allowing us to be vulnerable with others. It requires a sense of safety and trust. It is also a mini exercise in democracy because it points toward more discussions and collaborations.

Crafting an "I-statement" may be particularly challenging for people who have experienced collective trauma – the oppression against the formation of the self and the sense of humanity. There can't be an "I-statement" without a sense of "I,” while the subjectivity of "I" is what's injured by collective trauma. Making an "I-statement" is about reclaiming the existence of "I" independently and unapologetically. The existence of “I” itself is sufficient and enough.

Hearing an "I-statement" from others may also be particularly stressful for people who have experienced collective trauma – the oppression that creates a fear-based mindset and an extremely low tolerance of difficult emotions. When difficult emotions are always perceived as a threat or problem that needs to be erased or fixed, “I-statement” instills a sense of urgency and shame. Being able to listen to other people's "I-statement" means honoring their emotions as it is, and engaging in discussions about the changes based on our mutual interest.

When we say, "I feel annoyed by the sound you are making," we share a part of ourselves with the listener. When we hear, "I feel annoyed by the sound you are making," we receive an opportunity to better understand the speaker. For both, it is an invitation to deeper conversations and connections. The "I-statement" brings us closer so we can work together to figure out the changes that may be needed.

有毒的假理性

Christine Chang

「為什麼你當時不說」
「為什麼你不乾脆離開」
「為什麼你還放不下」

日常生活中充斥著像這樣的有毒的假理性,有時我們問自己,有時我們對親愛的人這麼說,有時我們被問得啞口無言。

有毒的假理性包裝在「為什麼」——看似理智討論的單純疑問裡,卻帶著羞辱、責備和遮掩不住的自己的焦慮與不耐煩。

一個分辨有毒假理性的方法是,如果我們是提出的一方,那樣的內在事實上混合著擔憂、侵略性(aggressivenss)和迫切感(sense of urgency);而作為回應的那一方,則容易出現了憋氣、嘆氣、語塞等與呼吸相關的塌陷感(defeatedness)。

如果這是一場真正「理性的對話」,它會看起來會像這樣:

「當時你的內在,發生了什麼事」
「我很高興你現在說了出來」
「我很高興能聽到你現在說出來了,是什麼改變了嗎」
「有一個部分的我,很希望當時的你能為自己發聲,因為我能感覺到那有多難受」
「我好希望當時的你說出來,我能夠為當時或現在的你做些什麼嗎」

真正的「理性」比你我想像的更謙虛、更溫柔、更善於傾聽。

寫給曾是國際學生和移民的自己

Christine Chang

你會遇到許多拒絕,沒有道理、武斷的拒絕,輕巧委婉的拒絕,一邊微笑一邊築起的牆,和那些永遠不懂的幽默;被拒絕環繞的時刻,試試看,做那唯一不拒絕自己的接納。拒絕不等於否定,更不等於對「自我」的否定,門關上了,卻不會夾死我。

你也會遇到許多膚淺的喜愛,因為某個部分的你所以被喜愛的喜愛,你心底知道那不是全部的你,有些人稱之物化、浪漫化,難受是真實的,試試看,喜愛擁有每個部分的自己,全體大於部分相加總和的自己,也許有還不認識的自己,在異地正要浮現。

你會遇到孤獨,許多只有自己的時刻,身邊的人像宇宙中的星球,每一顆都有自己的軌道,每一顆都那麼遙遠,一個人去酒吧,一個人看醫生,一個人憂傷已不簡單,一個人快樂才是最難。

你會失去語言,然後得到新的語言,也許有天自然而然在夢裡說起兩種語言;你會失去名字,然後得到新的名字,也許不再來自家長,而是你自己給自己起的名字,失去和收獲一體兩面,從來沒有這麼明顯,試試看,直面它們的共存。

你會遇到方方面的不確定,有時候最佳解並不存在,多半處在被別人決定的位置,也許每個國際學生都是科學家也是藝術家,發掘內在的實驗精神、好奇心和創意,在未知面前,煎熬等待的時刻,沒有任何一個轉彎是浪費。

好多新的遇見,包括遇見新的自己;國際學生和移民不只是關於身份的標籤,也不見得是你的終點,認識時不時湧起的生死存亡感,分辨過去、此刻,內在、外在,他人與我——允許各自安好,允許改變。

深呼吸

Christine Chang

注意氣息是如何離開自己,或沒有離開,試著讓肩膀下沉,也許有什麼湧上來。氣息離開身體,用鼻子也好,嘴巴也行,悠長也好,短暫也好,是深深的吁盡,還是淺淺浮躍,都好,這就是身體的智慧;我不需要盤算或計劃,身體在我知道之前便已全然知道,我的工作則是去敬拜與跟隨。

溫柔地找一找吐氣和吸氣之間的轉折,神秘且絕對,人類無法一邊吸氣一邊吐氣,那個轉折就是邊界 (boundaries)最直接且原始的形狀,這是我們與生俱來的決絕。

再延伸一下,感受身體吐氣時,其他器官如何被影響,動態或靜止,收縮或溫暖,好久沒有關心的部位,他們其實一直都在。

深呼吸常被包含在肌肉放鬆或正念減壓的練習裡,各家學派作法不一,但其中最重要的關鍵是吐氣,允許自己吐氣,甚至嘆息,華文化裡有個禁忌認為嘆氣會把福氣嘆掉,在生理學上,強迫倒吸或不自覺的憋氣,才是焦慮與頭昏的肇因,這可能也反映出世代以降的恐懼與創傷,誤把做為生存手段的過度警覺和暫停呼吸,挪用為累積與成長的方法。

福氣不會因為我憋著而留下,允許身體讓二氧化碳離開,才有空間讓生命進來。

你的疲累長什麼樣子呢?

Christine Chang

是堆疊在頸或肩胛的重量,手腕的疼,還是後腰隱隱的痠;有時身體的軸,直線向下,無法抗拒地心引力,或昏沈或停滯;有時疲憊則近似於內在對外界的拒絕往來、不安、失去耐心,甚至厭惡;更多時候,大聲的累是小聲的、說不出口的不願意,也許在我們的文化裡,喊累比說不更容易被接受。

從什麼時候開始,疲累常常令我們焦急,彷彿一種不該與羞恥——吃什麼能更有精神,睡多久才足夠,能不能告訴我秘方撇步重振個人和團隊士氣,為什麼我越運動越提不起勁,我感到累是因為壞習慣還是不知足,接著心裡的聲音變成責怪和恐懼,「這點苦都吃不了,能成就什麼事」、「浪費時間機會青春」、「看看別人都⋯⋯」——疲累不應該不正常,這個想法是從哪裡學來的呢?是誰教我們拒絕疲累?是誰教我們拒絕自己身體的節奏?

誰教給我們的,還回去就好;因為是學會的(learn),所以一定可以重學(unlearn)。

疲勞是正常、應該發生的,下班感覺累是對的,準備考試感覺累是對的,帶孩子放電感覺累是對的,照顧家人感覺累也是對的,累沒有不對,但我們卻著急,甚至害怕自己的疲累,一邊累一邊忙著否定自己的感受——上班怎麼能累,我還要拼升職呢,準備考試怎麼能累,才剛開始啊,和家人相處怎麼會累,難道你不愛?迎面而來的害怕、社會比較、自我批判,常常淹沒身而為人的基本需求與反應。

疲累是自我(self)真實存在的證據之一,作為一個有情感、有好惡、佔領物理空間、有著化學反應的血肉之軀,疲勞甚至耗竭都因為我們此刻真實存在。

所有真實存在的都有開始,也有結束,包括疲累。

在我們試圖找出原因解決疲累之前,能不能,允許自己疲累,不去參與、甚至加重對疲累的壓迫;能不能,我們一起給疲累的自己一點空間,允許脖子往最舒服的方向傾斜,允許肩膀下降,允許手腕靜靜的待著,腰穩穩的被支持,允許自己聽自己的內在,聽那些幽微曲折的不,也許那些不,並不可怕。

自我不是工具,是終點

Christine Chang

我們總覺得如果自己變得更強壯,就能克服困難;如果能懂得更多知識、道理和技巧,我就能改變困境;如果能學會消化情緒,甚至控制自己的身心反應,就會變得更圓融更成熟,更能掌握人際的分寸,進而在重要關係裡有效溝通,像個大人,無往不利。乍聽之下,這些都是積極進取的態度,然而,當我們面對現實裡無奈、無法改變的外在環境時,所謂「山不轉路轉」、「境隨心轉」的期待,像這樣要求自己改變的壓力,常常帶來意想不到的巨大羞恥感。

面對暫且無力的外在環境,最重要的其實是把注意力放在自己身上,把關懷送給現在的自己,這個無能為力、走投無路的自己,無條件的、不把自我工具化的看見自己。

這比所謂「自愛」深得多,也許也難得多。自我不僅是載體,能帶我們去更美好的地方,自我也已是終點。當我們遇見自己,我們就抵達了。這裡就是最想去的地方,這裡就是最美的風景,這裡就是家。

心理治療裡常常提到「接納自己」,但是接納自己並不是來自認知層次的學習,而是一種體驗,一種需要被提供的體驗,唯有身體、情感、認知都體驗了被接納,我才會知道我就是終點。

Making the Most of Online Therapy During Covid-19

Christine Chang

By Christine Chang, PhD & Snehal Kumar, PhD*

The impact of the pandemic has been very palpable. During this stressful time, we may realize we need support and also notice that there might be barriers and ambivalence to getting and maintaining professional help. For example, we might have concerns about using online therapy when we might be more comfortable with the idea of meeting a therapist in person. We might also have increased worries about finances that may make us want to “put off” therapy, especially if it’s in a format that may make us uncomfortable.

While some people like online therapy as much as or more than in-person therapy, many people understandably have reservations about it. It is important to notice our discomfort about online therapy. What great self-awareness! By exploring and addressing this discomfort, we could have an opportunity to learn what may bring us a greater sense of safety, understanding, connection, and healing while maintaining social distance. As psychologists, we would like you to get the support and care you need, especially during and after the global pandemic crisis. 

There are ways to make the most of your online therapy experience and to look for affordable care. Here are some suggestions that you could try, so that way you can take care of yourself even in these difficult circumstances. 

Negotiating Technology 

Talk with your therapist about the options they offer to help maintain care while practicing social distance. Video therapy has numerous benefits, such as non-verbal communication, a sense of closeness, and flexible hours and locations. For some people though, video therapy is not a convenient option because it requires devices (e.g., a computer, internet, a camera), software, and the account set-up process (e.g., passwords). For some people, a phone therapy session could be more straightforward. Using technology can bring up uncomfortableness and different emotions for different people. We encourage you to talk to your therapist because therapy is a space for your healing and growth. We can choose the medium that makes the most sense to our pace at the point. We don’t need to use new technology just because we have it.

Navigating Financial Safety 

During these times, you may be more concerned about your finances than usual. There might be ways for you to still get the care that fits your financial needs. For example, some therapists might offer a sliding scale or reduced fee slots, to new as well as existing clients. If you have insurance that covers mental health, it might be helpful to learn more about your coverage to help you make decisions - for example, some plans may cover a large percentage of your session costs even if your provider is not affiliated with their panel), while some plans may offer coverage only if you work with a provider on their panel. In addition, many training institutes and university mental health graduate programs offer lower-cost sessions. It can be helpful to consider the frequency of care, length of care, and your goals to help you budget for therapy. The pandemic crisis and shelter-in-place order urge us to take extra care of our health, and our mental health can help us make decisions that enhance our physical health and even our financial well-being. We encourage you to discuss your needs and options with therapists to see what might work for you.

Co-Creating Emotional Safety 

Safety is always the most fundamental element in therapy. Safety includes physical, emotional, relational, and even technological aspects. Some people gain a sense of safety from being together and present with each other and some people experience it from having more space and structures. In therapy, it is most effective to maintain and deepen the sense of safety through having clarity about expectations and strategies to help create the right kind of environment. 

It is important to have ongoing communication about how these expectations and strategies impact your experience in therapy. For example, in conversation with your therapist, you might realize you prefer phone sessions to video because it is easier to talk about your experience this way. As a way to create a helpful environment, you and your therapist may make a plan in case the call drops in the middle of the session (eg., texting your therapist to let them know, calling them back). Similarly, you might look for a private place to speak to your therapist before your session and pay attention to how you feel at different levels of privacy.

Honoring the Mental Commute

Sometimes therapy can be intense. Therefore, we need some time before entering the therapeutic work and after leaving it, just like the “old” commute time to the therapy office. 

Creating a “mental commute time” may help ground with our present. In the “old” days, whether it’s driving or being on a bus or subway, our commute forces us to be slightly more present than our laptops do. Changes in the visual horizons and physical movements allow us to recognize that we’re moving literally and figuratively, even when what comes up in a session is tough. That our past is a part of us, not all of us. A commute time also serves as a space of mindfulness to recalibrate from our work in therapy to what we need and want to do next. While you may not have a literal commute anymore, you could consider other strategies that might help, for example, going for a short walk or even looking out of your window.

We hope these suggestions help you in your journey towards growth and healing during this difficult time. The absence of in-person presence can be a loss to both the client and therapist, and it takes courage for us to receive and offer help using a new medium. We encourage you to share your concerns and worries about technology and how it may impact the therapy relationship and quality with your therapist because your input is so helpful in collaboratively crafting a meaningful experience for you.

*This article is co-authored by Snehal Kumar, PhD. She is a licensed psychologist practicing in NYC. She specializes in counselor training, self-worth, mindfulness, burnout, and diversity concerns. Visit her website at https://www.drsnehalkumar.com

Grief from afar

GriefChristine Chang

Grieving at a distance is not uncommon.  For many students, immigrants, migrant workers, and people who lost their loved ones to sudden unexpected death, the absence of physical closeness during the end of loved ones' lives could be painful. Certainly, the Covid-19 global pandemic also results in similar experiences of grieving and loss. We are not allowed to be with our loved ones or participate in rituals that bring comforts or spiritual meanings due to shelter-in-place, social distancing, and other public health measures. The loss of physical presence and rituals is palpable. 

Not being physically present with loved ones who are dying or to witness their passing may leave us feeling anxious, angry, and guilty. We may wonder about the last moments of our loved ones and worried about their possible loneliness. We may put the blame or judgment on something (e.g., social distancing rules), someone (e.g., other family members), or ourselves.  We may wish and imagine we could’ve done something else, something different to change the circumstance. Fear, anger, and guilt are all common and normal reactions when we face the death of loved ones. These emotions are uncomfortable and could be scary at first sight. It is important to process and metabolize painful feelings with people who are supportive, responsive, and reliable. 

It might be challenging to find a source of solace when traditional rituals and physical togetherness are not accessible. One way to start the healing is to intentionally acknowledge the loss and the beginning of the grieving process. Forming meaningful narratives for both the loved ones and us helps ground the cognitive part of the brain. Engaging in creative alternatives to honor the loved ones and our relationship with them helps orient bodily sensations and emotional experiences.  It is painful to notice multiple losses here: our loved ones, the opportunities to say goodbye, and the most intuitive ways to receive support. 

Grieving from far away is hard because facing death and separation alone activates our ultimate fear, whether it's about our loved ones or ourselves. It is important to recognize how we would like to show up for others and for others to show up for us. It is also a time to see how we may show up for ourselves. Grief needs to be seen, so does our ability to love, care, and connect. 

Our Collective Grief

GriefChristine Chang

The COVID-19 pandemic forces all of us to face unique challenges that lead to difficult emotions. These emotions could be shock, confusion, anxiety, disorientation, frustration, disappointment, and guilt. Among the emotional experiences, grief is often overlooked and denied because it could be overwhelming to a lot of us. Grief is the response to a loss. Facing the COVID-19 pandemic, we are experiencing a collective loss. We lost a sense of normalcy. Our physical beings are assigned new roles, tasks, locations, and positions. Our psychological beings are asked to show up or not to show up in a way that’s not familiar. We lost the world we knew. Below are some thoughts of how we may go through the grieving process together. 

Name the loss. Name it as grief.
We lost our routines. We lost a sense of familiarity, stability, and safety. We lost the ways we knew how to connect with each other and how to set boundaries. We lost our usual coping. This is a collective loss. We are grieving together.

Grief needs to be witnessed.
Grief can’t be solved. Grief needs to be seen. It can be seen by eyes, by the body sensations, by emotional expressions, or even by our imagination. In the time of the pandemic, we are all in this together and we are all impacted. I see your grief, and my grief needs to be seen. We witness each other’s grief.

Don’t judge each other’s grief. Don’t compare suffering.  
The judgment doesn’t help in grieving because it provokes shame and demands punishment. Neither shame nor blame brings back what we lost.

There is no short-cut to bypass the painful emotions.
Emotions are real. That means emotions have a start and an end. Let it run its course. When it became so unbearable, we may learn ways to manage it at the moment. 

Find gratitude in what we do about the loss. Find it in what we do after the loss.
Loss happened. Loss is not a lesson or a blessing in disguise. We don’t try to find meaning in loss. We find meaning in us.  We don’t find meaning in trauma. We find meaning in resilience. 

Know the stages of grief and loss to describe, not prescribe.  
The five stages of grief and loss (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) provide a framework for us to understand ourselves. Note that grieving is not a linear process. 

References and Resources

That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief. https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief?utm_source=facebook&utm_campaign=hbr&utm_medium=social

David Kessler and Brené on Grief and Finding Meaning. https://brenebrown.com/podcast/david-kessler-and-brene-on-grief-and-finding-meaning/

Kübler-Ross E (1969). On Death and Dying. Routledge. https://books.google.com/books/about/On_Death_and_Dying.html?id=X2MskIklkqIC

Kessler, David ( 2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Simon and Schuster. https://books.google.com/books?id=H920DwAAQBAJ